Life is a fairy tale

I was reading a manga and there was this part wherein they were talking about a legend of a rose. As I was reading it, I suddenly had an impulse to write something down myself. I thought of how that legend of a rose came to be and my imagination just went and gone to lala land. I thought of conjuring up my own "legend" or so. Then I had temporary writers block even though my imagination has gone hay wire at the moment. So, in lieu of that legend thing, I thought of writing something else that is some what close to that theme.

So I thought of a fairy tale book. A book that holds a vast expanse of delightful and exciting stories to tell. Ever since I was a kid, I had believed in fairy tales. All those magical castles and fairy godmothers and a magical pumpkin carriage with talking mice and birds. Well you get the picture.

But have you ever wondered what fairy tales are? If they were just a figment of our imagination or whether they have a solid base of fact in them? I never did thought of such things. What I thought and believed of what "fairy tales" are, are that they are neither made up nor factual in a sense. They are simply what you believe them to be. They are life's stories.

Life may not be all rainbows and pots of gold, I admit that. But then again, not every fairy tale starts with a tranquil meadow and a sunny atmosphere. Some fairy tales starts with a tragic beginning such as The Beauty and the Beast and Sleeping Beauty. Sometimes tragedy brings about the magic that is needed to end up with a happily ever after.

Happily ever afters seldom occur in life. Not everyone was born to be Alice nor endowed with a princess' right. Still, I believe that eventually happily ever afters occur in one's life time. May you become Alice or a princess in the end depends entirely upon you. That is the magic you, yourself, brings forth to make your dreams a reality. That magic is called "choice".

A single choice has power beyond our imaginations. That power can either make or break you. So choosing is a fairly difficult task to accomplish. You could say that they are life's puzzles that you have to unravel to be able to use its magic. The more you solve, the more magic you gain.

This so called magic is what fills each page of your fairy tale book. It creates what you call "chapters" in your story. Each chapter is filled with magic and it recreates the scenes in your life like a vivid film continuously playing in the background. And ultimately, you have become the author of your life. An author worthy of a legacy called "existence".

Writing your life's escapades is always full of fun and excitement. You never know what will happen next. The thrill of not knowing is life's guilty pleasures. It gives you the needed amount of fear and thrill that you deserve. So enjoy the feel of every moment and live.

Unlike just merely opening a book to read, writing your very own story is much more gratifying and exciting. So start now. Write. Live. Love. And live happily ever after.

Run

Ever had that time in your life wherein you wanted to just run? Run away from everything that makes you feel scared and sad? I did. Several times in fact, and even now, I am still running for my life. I keep running on an endless path with no direction whatsoever. I am in a constant marathon to find myself.

Ever since I had acquired what is called common sense, I began to question my existence. I was in a constant battle of wits with my self. Thus, I have become an introvert in many ways. I must have been born with a defect, since people were never happy with me. Even my parents. The people whom I thought doted on me were just putting up a farce. Back then I did not give it much thought, since I was a noob at life, I thought that was normal. I thought that is how parents act with their kids.

Then I began to see. For the first time in my life, I opened my eyes. I saw what was around me. And then I saw what life was really like. I saw my father hitting my brother because he had done something wrong. I saw him battering my mother for protecting my brother. Then I saw my grandfather battering my father in a much more horrid way in revenge for what he did to my mother and brother. I was there, a lone spectator and witness, to a chaotic reality.

From then on, I had a pessimistic outlook on life. I believed that reality was distorted in every way and that it only makes people hurt and suffer until they eventually give in and die. I was always worrying about every little thing. Trying as much as possible to not commit any mistake for fear that I might get punished like my brother. I was scared. So scared that I just wanted to run away from everything and created a world of my own. For a while I lived in a wonderland where I was the hero who saves the day from the evil doers. I was perfectly happy within that world. Then I grew up. I eventually lost my wonder world. I was running again.


I was running like a mad man. Not taking any breaks in between, afraid to lose the race. I was running as if my very existence depended on it. I ran and ran until I eventually got tired of running. I thought that for a brief moment that I could finally rest and live my life. But I was wrong. No one seemed to really understand me at all. I tried telling my story, but no one seems to hear me. They always say,"why are you tired? You are still young. If you get tired now, how will you make it out in the world when you grow up?". I became even more cynical with those very words. And to think they were religious proctors who preach like they are Jesus. I got fed up. I thought adults were all cynics and evil no matter how spiritual they become. They are all the same.

So I ran again. I ran from the reality of having no one to turn to and no one to believe in. I was constantly crying all through out my running escapades. I thought that if I keep on running, eventually, I will find my purpose in life and my tears would stop from flowing. It was then that I found something close to what people call "happiness", I found "love". At first, I thought "love" was like hitting people and spewing sarcasm at them all the while, because that was what my parents "love" was like. Soon after, I came to realize that it was not "love". I was deluded with a pretense of what "love" was. But then that person endured it all the while, so I thought, "ah, this must be what love is", I was led on an endless goose chase then. I began to have second thoughts on life. I thought that maybe its not so bad after all. Perhaps now I can believe in life, I thought. But then the eventful happened, and the "love" I carefully built up, shattered to a million pieces.
And just like that I was once more back on the running track. I was running like hell. It became a constant battle for me to find myself. Then I graduated. I passed the board exams. I took my oath. I became a professional. I thought I could finally end my race and LIVE. But I was wrong. I was bound by a thousand invisible chains called "gratitude and responsibilities". So even if I tried, I still could not reach the finish line. I realized then that running had become harder now. As I was running, a lot of people have already passed me by. They were the people I called "friends". They have found what they were looking for and have become successful and are nearing the finish line, while I was left behind, lagging all the way. I was frantic to catch up to them, futilely trying to hasten my speed, but try as I might, I could never catch up to them. I was left behind. I was just looking at their backs and soon after just their silhouettes. I was alone again. Just as I came into this world.

Then it hit me, I was never living as a human all this while. I was too afraid. Because of what I experienced during my tender years, I have acquired a constant and irreparable fear of living. I am afraid that if I live, I will just hurt people and get hurt in return. My mere existence is appalling to them that I am scared to be even noticed. So I ran...

This time I decided to run to find myself. To find who I really am and finally live.

Happy Pepero Day

Recently I discovered a very interesting and fun holiday. Its called Pepero day. Its a holiday celebrated in South Korea on November 11, which happens to be today. ^^

Such a holiday is astounding to me and I want to celebrate it too. ^^Its a day like valentines day where you give your love ones chocolates or flowers, only this day its a chocolate covered stick that every one goes around sharing with their loved ones. ^^

A game that is most acquainted with it is the one wherein two people share one choco covered stick and eats it until it becomes super short to the point where in you almost kiss one another. I think that is a perfect game for this holiday. Most especially if you share it with someone you like. ^^ Its super sweet and exciting. >_<

Maybe next year I could celebrate such an occasion with someone special. For now, I'll just have to make do with me. ^^

So I say, HAPPY PEPERO DAY!!!

New found obsession

Meet Moon Jae Shin aka "Geol Oh" (crazy horse), my newest korean crush for the month. ^^ I found him in the drama "Sungkyungkwan Scandal" where he plays the role of a rebel. That is why he is called crazy horse. He is untamed and wild in many ways. No wonder I was drawn to him. ^^

Anyway, his presence throughout the drama is what makes me want to watch it. The male lead, played by TVXQ's Mikey Yoochun, proves no interest for me since his character is boring and too over bearing for my taste. But Geol Oh gives the drama the needed spice to keep me hooked. ^^Just by looking at this photo, my heart just did a thousand cart wheels non-stop. This is my favorite photo of him yet. And those cherry blossom petals just took my imagination on hyper drive. >_<
Okay, so I admit that I am a sucker for macho men. As angelic as he looked in the tree photo above, I just could not help but post this photo of him as well. He looks so sinfully yummy here that I feel like pouncing on him. >_<>_< Here's another 'almost bare me' photo. His abs are covered once more but the part that is showing is...I don't even wanna think about it. Its too...never mind. >_< But...but... the thing I like most about this photo is his face. Honestly! His face here is just captivating and adorable that I could not resist but post it. =____=

Anyway, here are some more of Yoo Ahin's photos which shows his manly good looks and charm. ^^

Thoughts

I once said to myself that I will start anew and not have any more regrets. Well I just ate my words. No matter how much I try to start anew, I always end up regretting. May it be small stuffs or big ones. The big ones are the ones that I most definitely regret the most. I always seem to make wrong decisions all the time. I never seem to have one solid decision for the past years. I may cry it out but still there is that lingering feel of guilt and remorse for doing something so wrong. I don't think I have any more tears left to cry. Nor any more smiles to spare. I am hopeless. I am a very bad person who makes all the wrong decisions in life. I have so many regrets that I could never change anymore. But I wish I could. Somehow, regrets do come too late after all. I wish I could have just one good, solid decision this year that would be life changing. But I can't trust myself to make even one decision now. I'm to scared to make one now. I might just lose everything if I do that. But what does it mean to lose everything? I have never known what it would be like to give up everything. All this time I have been blessed. And all I ever do is complain all the time. I have never, not even once, considered myself blessed, and appreciated what I have. I am such a big idiot. The biggest one ever to have lived. Why am I like this? Why can't I appreciate what I have? Why can't I just be thankful and learn to live with it? Why? Because I am not happy. I'm scared. So scared I can't think clearly. But does being scared even an excuse? I don't think it is. But I am scared. I have never admitted it to anyone. But I am scared. Does anyone ever realize it? Can't they see I'm scared? They keep pushing me to the edge and yet they don't give me second glances to see if I'm alright. They just push and push not knowing I can't even move anymore. I feel trapped. I'm choking from everything and everyone around me. What must I do to free myself of this? Please tell me. Somebody, anybody...please save me...

Why?

As the year started bad luck has always been my shadow. Countless times I have tried and failed, got hurt, jilted, used, and abused. And during those times I ask myself why. Why does it happen to me? Why did I fail? Why am I always the abused? Why do I even care what others think? Why do I blame myself every time? And the questions just goes on and on. As months have passed, I can never find the answers to any of these questions. Instead they grow more and more confusing. I can't stand it anymore. As I contemplate on my own, the more questions pop up on my mind. And once more, "why" is there. I can't seem to shake that question off. No matter how hard I try I always end up with why. Why am I here? I ask myself. Why was I born? Why am I living this life? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I find what makes me happy? Why can't I do what I want? Why must I always follow orders? Why must I be the obedient one? Why must I do as I am told? Why must I do what my parents and relatives want me to do? Why do I always end up regretting everything I do? Why do I feel so guilty? Why do I feel so alone? Why do I feel like I have no life? Why must I be forced to do something I don't want? Why is it that I can never be right? Why is it that I will never be free? Why do I shed these tears? Why do I feel so uneasy all the time? Why do I hurt a lot? Why do I go on and on asking these questions? Why can't I ever find the answers to all of these? WHY??? These are just part of the things I ask myself and never get to answer them. I am not that simple minded enough to be able to answer all these with just one word or two. Nor can I answer them with a yes or a no. Everything around me seems so complicated that I am at a loss. People are just cynics. All of them. Society is crude and evil. Relatives are preying wolves. Family is full of hypocrites. Parents are just pure dictators. I wish I could just vanish from their sight. I wish there was a place I can go where names and titles and power and wealth mean nothing. I am so sick of everything and everyone. I wish I could just blot out the noise from around me so I can think. So many voices surround me in high volumes and high pitches. I can no longer hear my own voice. I have lost myself in the ocean of people teeming with vicious sarcasm,cynicism and idiosyncrasy.

Bishies of my life

Lee Hongki- My Summer Romance
He is #1 in my heart right now. He is simply love. ^_^ I picked him to be my summer romance because he is like a summer breeze that makes me feel warm and tingly all over when I see him. ^___________^ And like summer, he is full of that happy ambiance that just makes your heart melt just by smiling at you.

Choi Jonghun - Zettai Kareshi
My ideal boyfriend. Yes. He is a prince personified in my opinion. He a true gentleman and has a face like an angel's. He's like prince charming come to life! ^_^ I could imagine him in a prince outfit like the ones in the old days wherein they wear sinfully tight breeches and long vests and a sword...kyaaaaaaaaaaaaa~ too much imagination makes me sinfully evil >=D

Jang Geun Suk - Purrfect husbandOk, so this is getting hotter by the minute. I simply want to jump in on that couch with him. lol ^_^ JGS is the ideal husband to be. He likes long relationships and hates lying. Just as I do. *ehem*ehem* He is a sweet and funny person. He is just adorable and charming in many ways. And he loves to cook too. A true blue perfect husband. And oh did I mention he has a killer smile that is to die for? ^_^

Jung Yonghwa - boy next door crush
Yonghwa is the perfect boy-next-door crush. He is timid but he has this boyish charm that draws you near and without knowing fall for him. I wouldn't mind having him as my neighbor. I'd probably bring him cookies everyday. wahahahaha XD

Tae Yang and GD - bad boy crushes
Such charming smiles for my bad boys. Just how I like it. I couldn't choose one from the other so I took both so I didn't have to choose. wahahaha. >=D

I had to include these. They are too yummy to resist! >_<

Eli - fag crush
I refuse to believe that he is a fag even though he may act so girly. But no matter what, fag or not, I still have a crush on him. I think he is just scrumptious enough to nibble on. hahahaha

Kang Minhyuk - my little drummer boy

I call him my little drummer boy since 1. he is the drummer in the band, and 2. he is the baby in the band, him being the youngest. hahahaha. I just think he is adorable. I could pinch his cheeks until they're burning red. ahahaha. I'm such a bad noona. But I love my little drummer boy. ^_^

Matsumoto Jun - First loveOk so here is my first love. I fell head over heels for him ever since I saw him on Gokusen 1. He was the bad boy with a heart of gold. And then he came to me as the almighty Domyouji in HYD, and that blew me away! I was totally goo-goo eyes over him there. I was actually deluded that I'd meet him someday and he will sweep me off my sorry feet and we'll live happily ever after. wahahahaha. XD

Jungshin - classmate crush

He is so cute in that school uniform. >_< I just think it fits him perfectly. He would definitely be my crush in the class. If I'm seated next to him in class, I think I wouldn't be able to decipher anything the teacher discusses. hahahaha. XD