Thoughts

I once said to myself that I will start anew and not have any more regrets. Well I just ate my words. No matter how much I try to start anew, I always end up regretting. May it be small stuffs or big ones. The big ones are the ones that I most definitely regret the most. I always seem to make wrong decisions all the time. I never seem to have one solid decision for the past years. I may cry it out but still there is that lingering feel of guilt and remorse for doing something so wrong. I don't think I have any more tears left to cry. Nor any more smiles to spare. I am hopeless. I am a very bad person who makes all the wrong decisions in life. I have so many regrets that I could never change anymore. But I wish I could. Somehow, regrets do come too late after all. I wish I could have just one good, solid decision this year that would be life changing. But I can't trust myself to make even one decision now. I'm to scared to make one now. I might just lose everything if I do that. But what does it mean to lose everything? I have never known what it would be like to give up everything. All this time I have been blessed. And all I ever do is complain all the time. I have never, not even once, considered myself blessed, and appreciated what I have. I am such a big idiot. The biggest one ever to have lived. Why am I like this? Why can't I appreciate what I have? Why can't I just be thankful and learn to live with it? Why? Because I am not happy. I'm scared. So scared I can't think clearly. But does being scared even an excuse? I don't think it is. But I am scared. I have never admitted it to anyone. But I am scared. Does anyone ever realize it? Can't they see I'm scared? They keep pushing me to the edge and yet they don't give me second glances to see if I'm alright. They just push and push not knowing I can't even move anymore. I feel trapped. I'm choking from everything and everyone around me. What must I do to free myself of this? Please tell me. Somebody, anybody...please save me...

Why?

As the year started bad luck has always been my shadow. Countless times I have tried and failed, got hurt, jilted, used, and abused. And during those times I ask myself why. Why does it happen to me? Why did I fail? Why am I always the abused? Why do I even care what others think? Why do I blame myself every time? And the questions just goes on and on. As months have passed, I can never find the answers to any of these questions. Instead they grow more and more confusing. I can't stand it anymore. As I contemplate on my own, the more questions pop up on my mind. And once more, "why" is there. I can't seem to shake that question off. No matter how hard I try I always end up with why. Why am I here? I ask myself. Why was I born? Why am I living this life? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I find what makes me happy? Why can't I do what I want? Why must I always follow orders? Why must I be the obedient one? Why must I do as I am told? Why must I do what my parents and relatives want me to do? Why do I always end up regretting everything I do? Why do I feel so guilty? Why do I feel so alone? Why do I feel like I have no life? Why must I be forced to do something I don't want? Why is it that I can never be right? Why is it that I will never be free? Why do I shed these tears? Why do I feel so uneasy all the time? Why do I hurt a lot? Why do I go on and on asking these questions? Why can't I ever find the answers to all of these? WHY??? These are just part of the things I ask myself and never get to answer them. I am not that simple minded enough to be able to answer all these with just one word or two. Nor can I answer them with a yes or a no. Everything around me seems so complicated that I am at a loss. People are just cynics. All of them. Society is crude and evil. Relatives are preying wolves. Family is full of hypocrites. Parents are just pure dictators. I wish I could just vanish from their sight. I wish there was a place I can go where names and titles and power and wealth mean nothing. I am so sick of everything and everyone. I wish I could just blot out the noise from around me so I can think. So many voices surround me in high volumes and high pitches. I can no longer hear my own voice. I have lost myself in the ocean of people teeming with vicious sarcasm,cynicism and idiosyncrasy.