Thoughts

I once said to myself that I will start anew and not have any more regrets. Well I just ate my words. No matter how much I try to start anew, I always end up regretting. May it be small stuffs or big ones. The big ones are the ones that I most definitely regret the most. I always seem to make wrong decisions all the time. I never seem to have one solid decision for the past years. I may cry it out but still there is that lingering feel of guilt and remorse for doing something so wrong. I don't think I have any more tears left to cry. Nor any more smiles to spare. I am hopeless. I am a very bad person who makes all the wrong decisions in life. I have so many regrets that I could never change anymore. But I wish I could. Somehow, regrets do come too late after all. I wish I could have just one good, solid decision this year that would be life changing. But I can't trust myself to make even one decision now. I'm to scared to make one now. I might just lose everything if I do that. But what does it mean to lose everything? I have never known what it would be like to give up everything. All this time I have been blessed. And all I ever do is complain all the time. I have never, not even once, considered myself blessed, and appreciated what I have. I am such a big idiot. The biggest one ever to have lived. Why am I like this? Why can't I appreciate what I have? Why can't I just be thankful and learn to live with it? Why? Because I am not happy. I'm scared. So scared I can't think clearly. But does being scared even an excuse? I don't think it is. But I am scared. I have never admitted it to anyone. But I am scared. Does anyone ever realize it? Can't they see I'm scared? They keep pushing me to the edge and yet they don't give me second glances to see if I'm alright. They just push and push not knowing I can't even move anymore. I feel trapped. I'm choking from everything and everyone around me. What must I do to free myself of this? Please tell me. Somebody, anybody...please save me...