Insomnia

Ever since I started working as a call center agent, my sleep pattern has never been the same again. From graveyard shift for 2 weeks then suddenly it was am shift for a month and then just recently its graveyard once more and its forever. I don't really mind having a 9-7 shift, but just recently it became a 230-1130 am shift.waaaaaaaaaaaaaa kill me! Now, I'm supposed to be sleeping already but my eyes are wide open. Damn it all. I want to sleep. And NOW. But obviously I'm not. I'm still here ranting and raving on and on about why I am still awake. Do I need to resort to desperate measures such as sleeping drugs to make me sleep?Could I be coming down with a bad case of insomnia? I hope not!Well, I guess I need to get used to this kind of life and schedule. After all, I'll be doing this for quite a while. Gawd, I need to find a much more stable career and work than this. The pay is not so good, the schedule kills, and my sleeping pattern is going hay wire!!!! I need sleep badly. My head is pounding from lack of it. But my body clock does not seem to cooperate very nicely. Guess this is what I get for working at a call center. Oh well. IKEIKEIKE FIGHTING!!!!!

Forbidden fruit

As the sun rises on this very day, I am still bothered by totally guilt-inducing thoughts. I don't know why I keep entertaining them, but I can't seem to stop all together as well. I thought that for a very long time, I have killed and buried my conscience for good. Now it seems to constantly haunt me and kill me in the process. I know it haunts me for a very valid reason and one that I so constantly deny even as of this moment. I can't seem to say NO to anything most recently. I've tried, honestly I have, but still to no avail. I thought that if I learn to say no, I could stop and control these stupid thoughts and desires. But then I later discovered that it was not the magic word that I was looking for. There does not seem to be one at all. So it got me thinking why. There must be a reason why. After all, everything happens for a reason. But what is it exactly? That I can't even answer. All this time I thought that everything must always be RIGHT. It must be to make it look good and pleasing to the eyes of others. But must it always be that way?Does everything have to be RIGHT all the time? I am puzzled as hell by that very thought. But how can anything be so wrong when it feels so right at the same time?Ironic, I know. Cliche, most definitely. But it is a sad reality too. A reality that I want to deny to the highest extent. But denying it does not seem to ease any unstable feelings that I hold within me. Instead, it keeps getting bigger and scarier. I am totally afraid of it. But I cannot deny the fact that I like it as well. It is like the forbidden fruit. It makes you crave for it but you are afraid to take it. And once you do, you can't seem to get enough of it.

Ghosts ang the paranormal

OK, so I have had too much dose of horror movies that would last me a life time of unending nightmares. I'm such a fraddy cat that even slight noises makes me jump. And just when I thought I could escape it at daytime, well I was wrong. There has not been a single day since I started work at our company that no ghost stories were told. I just so happen to have two colleagues that can sense the paranormal and one of them can actually SEE them. Creepy enough that there are no people on our floor at day time coz shift starts at night and ends early morning. So its just us and the house keepers and oh, the ghosts as well. Though I would prefer to think that there is no such thing there but how can I when they can't seem to stop talking about them? Now we go into groups to the lavatory. No one dares to go there alone anymore. Well, aside from the brave hearted ones, which are rarely just onw or two of us. The rest of us, excluding the guys of course, are pure cowards. I wonder if having a third eye is exciting or terrifying. I'm just glad my third eye, if I ever have one that is, is peacefully closed. *whew* I'm sure if it was ever opened, I would be living a nightmare day and night. But it does make me wonder if there really are spirits or paranormal entities there. The hallway to the lavatory IS creepy, I must admit, even without the ghosts or whatever they aare to add to the creepy atmosphere. Maybe its just a figment of my imagination at times, but you do get that feeling that you are being watched. Its like the Hawthorne effect. Gee, I wonder if I'm going crazier by the day. Or are my workmates just too obsessed with paranormal stuffs that they can't seem to let it go. Well I'm sure my two colleagues are not crazy or making up stories. They must have seen and continue to see the so called ghosts roaming around or haunting the girls lavatory. I wonder why they only haunt the girls lavatory though. Why can't they transfer to the boys side of the lavatory?Anyway, regardless of the gender preferences of these paranormal entities, they are a menace to our health. It gives us the nerves all the time and might give us kidney problems to boot. Well, ghosts or no ghosts, as long as they don't do any harm to me then just go ahead with your haunting business. They must be taking calls there too. hahaha. So that's what my work place is. A ghost infested place + people who look like ghosts after shifts. hahahaha

Moving on

It took me three long years and 7 agonizing months to finally break free from a bondage that I self- inflicted upon my unfortunate soulless self. I couldn't believe the hellish escapades that I went through just to gain freedom from my prison. In those long years I have kept my heart in a cage and anchoring it to the person whom I thought I could con myself into loving for all eternity. That was a big lie. A lie I kept telling myself a thousand times. Eternity was a pain. Love is for losers. Bitter is what I am now. But bitter as I am, I am slowly and surely moving on. Not in circles anymore, but straightforward. I'm taking tiny steps in learning to let go of what is GOOD for something BETTER. I know I should have done that a long time ago but I was blinded by stupidity then, to even realize that the BETTER that I was looking for was right there in front of my face, and I let it pass me by. I have lost the opportunity to grab at what was BETTER because I settled for the GOOD. Now, as I move on, free from my prison, I am no longer looking for what is BETTER. I have given up on that because now, BETTER is not enough for someone like me. Now I am looking for what is BEST. I mean, why settle for anything less right? When you can have only the BEST. So right now, I'm no longer putting myself in chains. I am moving head on. It feels way better to have done so. It still stings, I must admit, but the relief I feel right now is beyond the stinging of regret that I feel. So I'm guessing that's a start. Letting go is indeed hard, but acceptance of what is lost, irreplaceable, and unforgettable, is even harder. And I am slowly moving up that ladder of self actualization. Its a long way, but I'm sure enough I can reach it. So goodbye to what was and hello to what is and will be. I'm moving forward, this time, no turning back and no regrets. =)

Instant teen: just add nuts

This is a manga that I bought at one point due to impulse. But I never regretted buying it though. I enjoyed it and even craved for the next volumes of it. hahaha. So as I was saying, this is about a girl named Natsumi Kawashima, a homely 5th grader who instantly turned into a glamour girl just by eating some mysterious nuts. Its full of fun and romance. More like puppy love that developed into true love. This is a 4 volumed manga series that growing elementary schoolers to the child at heart adults would enjoy reading. Its short for a manga series but its worth the read. =)

A month as a call girl

It has been a month since I entered the working world as a call center agent. It has been so far an experience worth trying. I have lived day by day striving and trying my best to cram so much alien info into my already wilted of a brain matter. It was like a walk in the park for the first week even though I was on graveyard shift for the Nth time since I could remember. But I'm not one to complain on that since it pays MORE. Hooray for night diff! And not only that, the extra perks I get from it was worth it. Weight loss was a welcome benefit. Yipee! But all was not just easy breezy came the week after. The next five days was ok. It was bearable for my brain cells. It was the week after that, where all hell broke loose and I feel like I would die from nosebleed. Really. It was like my brain went *poof* and then all was a blurr. I totally couldn't remember what hit me that first day of hell week. I was so drained afterwards. I wanted to quit the next day. But ever since I was forced into taking the board exam last june and due to extenuating circumstances, I'm no longer a quitter. I became a renewed person, desperate and hungry for financial and social stability. Ever since then, my motto in life became "FAILING IS NEVER AN OPTION" from "I DON'T REALLY CARE IF I FAIL". The carefree and free spirited me became a stoic career woman. Since then, "bum life" was a thing of the past. Everything has become hectic, crucial, and deadly for survival. But friends and colleagues make it worth thriving for. Its hell, but it was full of mirth and excitement. Well, hell week will be over soon. Too soon, I'm afraid. Training will be over and the real battle begins on the floor! Heaven help us!