Forbidden fruit

As the sun rises on this very day, I am still bothered by totally guilt-inducing thoughts. I don't know why I keep entertaining them, but I can't seem to stop all together as well. I thought that for a very long time, I have killed and buried my conscience for good. Now it seems to constantly haunt me and kill me in the process. I know it haunts me for a very valid reason and one that I so constantly deny even as of this moment. I can't seem to say NO to anything most recently. I've tried, honestly I have, but still to no avail. I thought that if I learn to say no, I could stop and control these stupid thoughts and desires. But then I later discovered that it was not the magic word that I was looking for. There does not seem to be one at all. So it got me thinking why. There must be a reason why. After all, everything happens for a reason. But what is it exactly? That I can't even answer. All this time I thought that everything must always be RIGHT. It must be to make it look good and pleasing to the eyes of others. But must it always be that way?Does everything have to be RIGHT all the time? I am puzzled as hell by that very thought. But how can anything be so wrong when it feels so right at the same time?Ironic, I know. Cliche, most definitely. But it is a sad reality too. A reality that I want to deny to the highest extent. But denying it does not seem to ease any unstable feelings that I hold within me. Instead, it keeps getting bigger and scarier. I am totally afraid of it. But I cannot deny the fact that I like it as well. It is like the forbidden fruit. It makes you crave for it but you are afraid to take it. And once you do, you can't seem to get enough of it.